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Jan. 29th, 2005 | 02:18 pm

pois eh

eu aki de novo. sempre na mesma. coracao doendo! cara

eu nunca vou consegui ser feliz do lado de um homen. my heart will never mend!

but if i got over worse things in life i can get over CJ. but tis ok. im over it!


so na gandaia..livin it up with my little crew @ art bar fridayzz


vamos quebrar tudo neh negaooooooo

ai gente






(no subject)

Oct. 9th, 2004 | 09:58 pm

oh my god...

chillin at my love alex's house...


here i am....


Oct. 7th, 2004 | 07:16 am
mood: pessimistic pessimistic
music: ai ki horrrorrrrrrr

ki vida.
genti..i havent been here in like..forever.
that whole fotolog thing really got me addicted.
life is good. at least i think and hope.
yesterday i had a humongous argument with my mother and father..like to the point where i was almost kicked out of the house.
man idk o ke ta happening comigo..i reeally dont.
like i know what they say is correct but i just dont care,
and it doenst matter to me..and i lie..oh boy do i lie to them
and i know its not rite
but they upset me so much
and i was so hurt.
and i just didnt care abt them
i guess this is what everyone talk abt:"teenage drama"..but i am glad to be out of it.
or i hope.
let me just tell u something..
it sucks.
eu me afastei muito da minha igreja e de deus. i guess i just stopped believing. and it was so horrible and scary cuz i even tought abt suicide. and i know its not worth it..
but ontem eu rezei muito..
e vou passar a ser uma good grl.
meu deus...por falar nissso.
ai deus..eu acho que estou me apaixonando pelo brian again!
well not again cuz i never stopped loving him.
but its just that i froze those emotions, and i like, totally erased them from my life..
until last saturday when i realized how much i card for him, and how much he cares for me..
what is meant to be shall be..

bjks to all!


cute thing i got out of jessica's lj

Sep. 13th, 2004 | 11:32 am

1 MINUTE AGO: i was chippin off my nail polish
1 HOUR AGO: i think i woke up
1 DAY AGO: na casa do kyle
1 YEAR AGO: chillin with bryan
I HURT: cellphone fell on my face last nite while on the phone with marc
I LOVE: myself ???
I HATE: rave girl, and theres one other person i cant remember
I FEAR: not being able to be who i want to be
I HOPE: i marry a rich guy
I FEEL: excited
I HIDE: cigarettes ny white rain coat's pocket
I DRIVE: a white 2001 honda civic-limited edition babi..haha
I MISS: jess-ca
I LEARNED: flip-open a lighter..??
I NEED: a haircut, and get my roots done
I THINK: that i'm the most adorable person alive

First screen name: Rapha14..it says it all..i was 14
First piercing/tattoo: ears, had one on nose..tattoo on my right shoulder (SP?)/back..
First credit card: had one for a second @ school.dad took it away
First enemy: Kay
First concert: Backstreet boys
First musician you remember hearing in ur house: probably Chitaozinho e Xororo
Last big car ride: i dont know what a big car ride is...??
Last kiss: i think it was on sunday..wait..i cant remember...
Last library book: oh.
Last movie seen: How to lose a guy in 10 days
In the theatre: umm...it was wait. i dont remember either..The Village???
Last food consumed: pipocas do BRasil
Last phone call: Dany
Last CD played: Reggae Throwdown-Palace sunday nite under 21
Last drink drank: wattttter
Last time scolded: i dont know..i dont think i've ever been scolded

I AM: horny
I WANT: a rich husband
I HAVE: to get my hair cut n colored
I WISH: i was rich n famous
I HATE: rave girl
I WONDER: how am i gonna c bryan tonite
I LOVE: *it
I ACHE: my feet
I ALWAYS: take long showers
I DANCE: around my room naked..jess..i do 2!
I SING: in the shower, in my car, everywhere
I CRY: sll the time
I AM NOT ALWAYS: not naughty
I WRITE: cutely and pretty..???
I CONFUSE: ppl who dont get me
I NEED: sum sex
I SHOULD: get rid of it

YOU KEEP A DIARY: is this one considered one??if not then no
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVEN'T SHARED WITH ANYONE: i am secretly a famous person in tokyo

DO YOU...?
WANT TO GET MARRIED: hells yes..2 times..one in a church..nice n fancy..another in vegas...cheap and short...
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: caramel/blonde/ i dont know....

COLOR: pinkyyy
DAY: sexy sundays
MONTH: novembah
SONG(S): eeeck..too many..rite now?? alicia keys' Diary
SEASON: el caliente summer
DRINK: a blue mofo or pina coladassss

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: make out...Hey baby..how YOU doin? ;)
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: milky n white ones

CRIED? maybe
SAID 'i love you'?: to bryan in a friendlyesh kinda way
TALKED TO AN EX?: yahyahyah
HUGGED SOMEONE?: i dont remember

(no subject)

Sep. 13th, 2004 | 11:25 am

kyle turned 2 today
he is so cute, and innocent and sweet
though he doesnt seem to like me much
even though i am his godmother,
oh well...

so i have been thinking a lot lately
and i dunno if its just a phase or if its me
but i wanna fall in love..i actually miss having someone..
not just have someone just to have'
but someone to love
you know?? someone who makes u feel so special
when u wake up in the morning--that person's face is the first thing you think of
and u feel more beautiful
and fulfilled
and u feel like nothing else in the world matters
kinda like when i felt when i was with bry; in the very beginning of our relationship
oh it is so awesome
there is no better feeling in the world
and you feel so eager to know what is gonna happen next
and you learn so much abt ur self
its so great to find out stuff about this person..and you cherish every piece of info
and oh..i just miss having someone in my life
someone to call all the time
someone to complain about the littlest things in life
someone to make happy- and sad
someone to..oh crap.. i guess i just miss brian- i think
i dont think i miss brian as much as i miss the wonderful way i felt arounf this time last yr
it was so great
or maybe i just miss having someone by my side
no matter how much i say i dont want a relationship..i do
i miss it
i cant go without having someone
i feel empty
thats no good!
i need to learn that i dont need a man in order to be happy
but it is good to have someone..its wonderful
there are no words to descrie it
i just wish i could find that person, the one that everyone talks abt
but then...does that one really exist??
or do we all learn to live with someone and we get used to that person's mistakes
and we think they are the best thing in the world

man...what the hell..i dont know
i love brian so much
but i dont even know anymore if i love him like i want him.
or i just love him bc i just want things to be as they were
he is so the opposite from me
he is like a dark person..not dark dark..but he is mysterious..
and his friends are so different from mine..
but when i am with him or friends..i feel good
i feel like another person--i am myself but..i can do stuff that i normally wouldnt be able to get away with
its great.
but i dont know what to do
ppl keep tellin me that we will get back together if we keep hanging out
and i dont yet know if i want to
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. im so fucking confused.
i dont know if thats what i want
i dont know what to do or say
i dont kow anything anymore
like...i want to be with him..but at the same time im scared as hell

godammit..is it too much to ask for?
i just wanna have someone

i miss him,,
even tho we talk like everyday
and i see him a lot
i dont know whats his deal anyways
i told him the other day that i kinda miss having a relationship
and he said he does too
and that he was thinkin abt his exes..
and i asked if that included me..and he said: Thats y im talkin to u
i didnt getit
but..i dont know
i dont want him to know that i love him
i dont want him to know that i even think abt him this way
i just wanna see what happens
maybe..god knows..
i dunno
all i can hope for is that someday i will find a rite person
no matter who that person is..



Sep. 7th, 2004 | 11:11 am

caracas viu..
cheguei lah em providence e abri a boca pra chorah
nem tinha chegado na escola e comecei a chorah
dai meu pai me disse que eu naum tava pronta pra ficah lah..
e parece que foi coisa de deus, pq cheguei lah e minha loan so era pra novembro.
so i had to come back.
i was sad
but it turned out to be ok
i got to chill with my friends on sunday
caracas nossa
mais em novembro eu vou
dai tenho bastante tempo pra chorah
oh man
im back and im here to stay
well until november
at least i get to hang out with brian..
kisses to all

so this song here reminds me of all the fun times @ the palace.
plus it reminds me of sly...it was fun makin out wit u..

Gun Shot
by Akon

Anyone in the place tonight you don't wanna be a witness then walk away (Akon!!!)
Cause I'm a soldier that love to fight and anyone in my path will die today
By my AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!)

Verse 1:
Have you ever spent one day on my block?!
Had to make good with crooked ass cops
Witness innocent bystanders get shot
Made a livin ready or not
(To stay true!!!) To all my N****s
Things gettin hard but we still grindin up
(To stay true!!!) To all my N****s
We done came up and cop cribs by the river
Before the feds came down on we
True badman nuh counterfeit g's
Maybe once stick around and trust you will see (That)

Anyone in the place tonight you don't wanna be a witness then walk away (Akon!!!)
Cause I'm a soldier that love to fight and anyone in my path will die today
By my AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!)

Verse 2:
So playboy don't make me pull your card (OK!!!)
Buss a shot and separate your squad (OK!!!)
Gangstas never know who you are (OK!!!)
And where you from ain't never made you hard (OK!!!)
You could be from Africa or Asia (OH!!!)
America back a yard in Jamaica (OH! OH!!!)
You could be from unda di equator (OH!!!)
Regardless I will see you later (OH! OH!!!)
See you can run but it’s hard to hide (OH! OH!!!)
What will kill you inside (OH! OH!!!)
Wait a minute till you stand up right (OH! OH!!!)
That’s why we nuh fraid of warning signs (OH! OH!!!)

Anyone in the place tonight you don't wanna be a witness then walk away (Akon!!!)
Cause I'm a soldier that love to fight and anyone in my path will die today
By my AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!)

Badman we a multiply, we nuh fear di law or a regula guy
So we, mash di place, run di place, bun di place, dun di place
Top shotta we a ready to ride
And we nuh easy joy and nuh fraid to ride
So we, mash di place, run di place, bun di place, dun di place

Anyone in the place tonight you don't wanna be a witness then walk away (Akon!!!)
Cause I'm a soldier that love to fight and anyone in my path will die today
By my AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!) AK!!! (Gunshot!!!)

(no subject)

Aug. 25th, 2004 | 11:24 am
music: oye mi canto- tego calde, nina sky and nore

Adivinha o que eu quero com você?
Quero um beijo meu desejo é te ver
Quando a gente se encontra só você não se dá conta
Que entre nós só tá faltando acontecer
Adivinha o que eu quero com você
É brincar de provocar sua paixão
E falar no seu ouvido qualquer coisa sem sentido
Só pra ver qual é a sua reação
Ouve essa canção que eu te fiz no meu coração tem um "x"
Pra deixar bem claro o que eu quero e preciso dizer
Hoje eu estou tão feliz, se você quiser vem e me diz
Deixa todo mundo saber adivinha o que eu quero... com você
Te namorar, te conquistar, Baby
Te namorar, te conquistar

what a boring couple of days.
bad weather.when its hot.good weather.when its cold.
new england blows.
lisa just left for florida today.lucky bitch.her and jose.
brian asked if i was gonna house sit.
wouldve been a good idea.
he said he would stay over with me.
sunday he came over to visit.
not so much interesting as i thought
my mom saw us kissing and freaked out.not that she would have a reason to. bc its none of her damn business,

all i can say is im leaving soon
and to be all on my own,
i cant believe it myself!
college life here i come

......VOTE OR DIE!

Aug. 19th, 2004 | 12:49 am

wow. it is now 1249 am. and it feels like its around 4 am. i cant sleep. maybe its insomnia. maybe its just anxiety to go to the beach tomorrow. or maybe is it the inner happiness that i know i have brian..or maybe wish i did?? if so, who knows??
all i know is that im sitting here, in front of this massive computer screen, partially blinded by the brightness...trying to do something..anything that will make this nite go by faster.
i have done my usual...watched newlyweds @ 10, sex n the city, sex n the city again, then watched some rescue me, the nanny, and will and grace. and may i say...tv sucks at nite!
but im happy i now found a new show to watch..rescue me. good show.

hum. talked to bry today. like always. i accidentally told him abt the fite with jess, and the reason. and he questioned y i was making out with someone while with him. i just DENIED...DENIED..everything. even tho he knows its true, bc i had just said it. godarn it..i dont know what im blabberig (SP?) abt. but anyways. yeah. i got that he was kinda-not upset- but dissapointed.
well what do u want brian??
we tell each other that we dont want long term commitments..well, it was more of me telling u so u wont think im head over heels for u. and do u actually think im gonna lay around and wait till u decide that its time to date again???well, i will still be doing that. just not exactly. i will also be having my fun.
yes. i do love you. but i wont let u know. i think that i'd rather die than let u know of my feelings.
because im so afraid that it will ruin our "friendship"..and afraid that we will go back to where we left off.
today u told me that i changed ..a lot. and that is y u love hanging out with me...and i confess now that i didnt change. im justbeing myself, without being scared. without being all spiffy abt everything. and trying to fix our relationship..and trying to not be mad, or be mad..or do whatever is ppl are supposed to do when they are having a relashionship.
i dont actually know if i changed. i know now that i am more mature and confident-confident like u always wanted!
i dont know if this is a new me. and thi s may sound freaky-but, i dont really know who i am, or what i want from life..or what i was.
but i do know that..im trying really hard not to let myself go. while at the same time having so much fun with you. with this relationship that shall remain tittleless. i dont know what to call it, or how to describe it. but i do know that im very happy. just to be able to look at my ringing phone and see ur name..or to just wake up and kow that u care for me.

i just hope that we can take this "relationship" thing that we have going on, and make something out of it. not just be for the "saturday nite fever", but to actually care for each other as human beings..and if just as friends...then so be it!

but thats all i can say..and pray that you may never find this lj.

thats it!
kisses every1.
if u dont get it...dont worry. it wasnt meant for u to get it!

(no subject)

Aug. 18th, 2004 | 09:17 am

oooOOOh. yuck. sorry u guys. my lj got messed up for a couple days...but!
oh..sunday i went to the palace with: alex, lizzy, bubiola, and dany!it was awesome! i had so much fun!
this sunday USHER is gonna be there for his afterparty.
yall should GO!
monday i worked!
Paul Mascis gave me his number. omg. im gonna kill craig. he was just joking around, and he knows i find paul cute. so he goes: "Y dont u get paul's number??", and paul was rite next to him. but i didnt blush or feel bad. cuz i knew he kinda crushed on me.
he is cute. humph! another one for my list.
ummm..yesterday was a day!
and what a day!
i almost made a humongous mistake.
Jessica..im sorry babi!
u are rite...we dont need guys..we are sooo made for each other! LOL! i love u girl!
and he is not worth it! no guy is!
so will u come to the beach amanha with us??
my batatinha!
i love ya girl!
and im sorry!


...fun days with bry.

Aug. 14th, 2004 | 10:31 pm
music: welcome back-mase

so. tonite was so much fun. brian and i hung out. he pickep me up around 7, and we went to eat @ friendly's...then we went to the movies to watch "Alien vs. Predator"..umm, pretty good movie, again i didnt expect me to like it as much as i did. but it was good. so after the movie, we went to his house..and went swimming...no details needed!
can i just say that..oh my god. we have so much fun! today was perrfect! if it was a date im sure it wouldnt have been this much fun! and we were talking abt the days when we were going out, and how we never got to do the stuff we are doing now..like sitting on the grass in the rain just starring at the sky and make out..or just make fun of each other and wrestle...he says i was always too busy yelling at him for something. it just is so much fun now. its just disappointing that it wasnt like that when we went out. but im not expecting anything.
and i think it is better this way, and if any of this is happening, than i believe it is bc of a reason. maybe it is to bring us closer, and learn the things we have in common. but i just love him, and its like rebecca said...maybe im just confused. maybe its a friendly love, rather than a lover love. and im just wicked happy for now. and whatever happens happens..if not then i know i have a wonderful friend. and iam okay with that..i guess!!!

i love you Xandeski